Gay and Single … Forever? Ten Things Every Gay Guy
Looking for Love (and Not Finding It) Needs to Know
by Steven Bereznai
Marlowe & Co. 247 pages, $15.95
DESPITE ITS TITLE, which might suggest another dreary self-help book soaked in Dr. Phil-speak, Gay and Single … Forever? is actually a thoughtful and intriguing meditation on the current state of being a gay man who’s not in a steady relationship. As author Steven Bereznai, editor of the Toronto gay biweekly fab, points out, after all the recent coverage of ballot initiatives and legal battles over same-sex marriage, many gay men are left with the distinct impression that everyone in our community is coupling up.
And yet, Bereznai cites statistics suggesting that fully sixty percent of the gay male population does not live in a state of long-term coupledom. His book is directed to this apparent majority of gay men, especially those who may feel stuck in a state of unwedded limbo, torn by opposing forces. On the one hand, we’re all supposed to support the political and legal battles in the name of full equality for GLBT people. On the other hand, single men often harbor a complex array of emotions and reactions about this fight—and about those in long-term relationships. Another source of tension is that many young gay men who long for a long-term relationship find themselves living in an urban environment that allows for a high degree of promiscuity, so they often end up having brief affairs that are hugely romantic while they last.
Nevertheless, the pressure to pair off increases as one gets older, Bereznai observes, fueled to some extent by the old stereotype that to be gay means to die alone and miserable. But this pressure can be almost as destructive as the pressure to convert to heterosexuality. As he asks midway through the book, “Could it be that the promise of coupled happiness is leading to misery as singles wait to be happy?”
Despite this pressure and gay men’s desire for a partner, many never find their soul mate; but why? The first obstacle is the mental checklist through which many gay men put any prospective mate. Is he good-looking enough, university educated, a sexual match? Does he live in a major urban gay center, and is there any real estate? Why is he still single? Bereznai runs through the features of contemporary gay culture, stopping to ruminate over the effects of “body fascism,” unrealistic expectations, substance use and abuse, and the biology and science emerging from studies of those who couple up versus those who remain alone.
Gay and Single embodies many of the best elements of the “gay sensibility”: it is funny and sharp without being stupid or reductive. And its message is a crucial one for gay men, both young and old, who do not fit into any particular relationship mold: intimacy takes many forms, and the happily-ever-after myth of wedded bliss is potentially as dangerous as it is seductive, causing many gay men to feel unnecessarily isolated and powerless.
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Matthew Hays’ book, The View from Here: Conversations with Gay and Lesbian Filmmakers, will be published by Arsenal Pulp Press in May.
