Live Long and Prosper Bishop Eddie Long, who ran the largest black mega-church in the South until his death in January, was known for two things above all else: his “prosperity gospel” and his anti-gay crusade. He even managed to blend the two positions, presenting homosexuality as not so much a moral failing as a road to destitution: “In essence, God made Eve to help Adam replenish the earth. … Homosexuality is a manifestation of the fallen man,” he thundered at a 2004 rally. And Long practiced what he preached—up to a point. His prosperity theology was matched with a flashy lifestyle that included Gucci sunglasses, gold necklaces, and Rolex watches. But then there was his stance on homosexuality, and… it’s a familiar story. In Long’s case, his penchant was for the pubescent boys, whom he called his “spiritual sons.” But teenagers have a way of growing up, and when four of them reached their mid-twenties, they went public about “sexcapades” with Bishop Long, sending shock waves through the black religious community. Long’s ministry soldiered on, but a few years ago he began to lose weight and seemed to be wasting away. Supporters said he was on a slimming diet, but when he died at age 63 they blamed a rare cancer. Reports circulated that he’d died of AIDS, for which he was unwilling to seek treatment—which would have meant owning up to his life on the “down low.” So, for all the bling he had amassed, his rap on homosexuality had an element of self-fulfilling prophesy: he died a fallen man.
Looking for Same Then there’s the ever-fascinating phenomenon of straight men having sex with one another. We all know it goes on—just check out Craigslist and notice the straight guys looking for “same.” That’s exactly what sociologist Tony Silva did, focusing on rural settings, and he tracked down a sample of nineteen country guys who fitted the bill. Most were married, and all identified strongly as heterosexual. So what allowed them to perform the mental gymnastics needed to make this leap? Silva interviewed the men in depth and found that the “looking for same” component was key. Having sex with a gay guy, they explained, would make it a gay experience, while doing it with another straight guy was okay, because, after all, the other guy was just like you: not gay! Concluded Silva: “It’s not gay if the guy you’re having sex with doesn’t seem gay at all.” Indeed, Silva found that if anything the same-sex encounters could be used to strengthen the men’s heterosexual identity. It’s just “helpin’ a buddy out,” they would say; it’s what real men do for one another when the need arises. So what if, for some of them, the need arises quite a lot?
Too Good Is No Good Staying in the countryside, a French calendar boasting photos of sexy farmers caused a minor dust-up when a Huffington Post piece objected that the subjects were clearly not real “farmers” but rather studio models in overalls. In this age of fake news, it’s surprising that anyone would notice this conventional fib, but it prompted French Buzzfeed to look into it, and, sure enough, the men were all professional models. Then a writer at Bilerico had a look and noted that not only were they clearly models, but all were so perfectly coiffed, they didn’t even look like fake farmers. One thinks of the classic Herb Ritts photo of the mechanic hauling tires in a shop, which we now know was totally staged. What made it hot was that he looked so authentic, complete with layers of grease and sweat. Perfect pecs are one thing, but those farm boys needed a little grime!
Onward Christian Soldiers Nietzsche said somewhere that all religions eventually turn into their diametrical opposite. So it is that Liberty University, the evangelical institution founded by the late Jerry Falwell, has decided to install a gun range on campus for its born-again students. The action follows a decision by the board of trustees to allow students to carry concealed firearms on campus. Jerry Falwell Jr., president of the Lynchburg, Virginia, university, used last year’s convocation to urge all students to apply for a permit so they could take full advantage of the new policy: “I’ve always thought that if more good people had concealed-carry permits, then we could end those Muslims before they walked in. … Let’s teach them a lesson if they ever show up here,” he proclaimed to thunderous applause. Trying to square these words, and the university’s actions, with Jesus’ message of universal love and brotherhood is beyond anything we could attempt here. So let’s stick to the practical consequences. If you’re a Muslim who wanders onto campus, they’re spelled out pretty clearly. But let’s say you’re a professor at Liberty and you think a student deserves a D or an F, or even a “gentleman’s C.” You may want to think twice about this; these gentlemen are packing heat!
Cher Was There Police were stumped when house after house was getting robbed in a Portland, Oregon, neighborhood, and the burglar kept eluding capture. He would take the usual items of value—cash, electronics, jewelry—and managed to rob fifteen homes without slipping up. But then he was done in by… Cher. It seems the burglar, whose name is Jordan Bradley Payne, had lifted a pair of collectible Cher dolls with outfits designed by Bob Mackie. The owner of the dolls, John Eder, wasn’t surprised that his passport and computer were gone and his closets rifled; but he was surprised that a presumably straight male thief would be interested in Cher dolls. So, when the dolls appeared on EBay, given their unique provenance, the thief was quickly identified and arrested. Proving once again that (along with cockroaches and Twinkies) Cher will outlive us all.
