What Is ‘Compersion’?
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the author’s earnest tone reminds the reader that polyamory as a lifestyle (as distinct from hooking up or indulging in more-or-less casual sex) is a serious experiment in cooperation. Deri strives to do justice to lived emotional complexity as distinct from idealized conceptions of how a polyamorous network is “supposed” to work.

Polyamory among women is making a comeback, according to the author, due to its changing role in feminist politics. In the 1970s, it was widely described as a healthy alternative to the male-dominated, heterosexual monogamy that prevailed in former times, enforced by extreme sanctions for adulterous women (but not men). If a conception of women as property is the ultimate expression of patriarchal capitalism, according to early Second-Wave feminist theory, then sexual generosity among women, preferably in a context of communal living, was its opposite. (Lesbian-feminist writing from the 1970s generally bears out Deri’s summary of the politics of the time.) The AIDS crisis of the 1980s, according to the author, put a chill on promiscuity in general and encouraged a separation of lesbians from gay men, who were the most visible victims of the plague.

In the 21st century, according to Deri, feminists are re-evaluating earlier theories, and the West Coast has again become a welcoming place for non-mainstream culture, including the fluid lifestyles of women who define themselves as lesbian, bisexual, or “gender-queer.” (Deri avoids focusing particular attention on transpeople, either female-to-male or male-to-female, although a few of her interview subjects seem to fit those descriptions.) A subject named Heloise apparently explained to Deri that “poly” relationships can and should be custom-designed: “Being in a poly relationship and it being equal and balanced does not mean that each person has the same number of lovers and the same number of dates per month. It’s about both of them having the relationship that they want even if it means one person not being poly at all and one person being poly. … It’s about matching the standard to the person.” Several of the women claim to be sexually unconventional in various ways: not only are they “poly” and “queer”; some identify as “leatherdykes” whose sex lives include BD/SM.

Deri explains that because all of these sexual identities are stigmatized in mainstream culture, those who can afford to be “out” (as “queer,” as “poly,” as “doms,” or as “subs”) must have compensating advantages. Polyamorists, she claims, “require social and cultural capital, as well as autonomy, to support their lifestyle in the face of marginalization. Polyamorists require enough [leisure]time to develop their relationships as well as to permit them access to knowledge and resources.” In other words, polyamory works best for those who are white, middle-class, urban, university-educated, and self-confident. Several of her subjects claim to be disadvantaged in the “poly” community because they lack some of these characteristics.

Polyamory is shown to be much more complex than either its detractors or its proponents will usually admit. When it works well, it is shown to create supportive “families” in which everyone gains, including children raised by “poly” parents. Even if this study doesn’t convince all readers that polyamory deserves to be taken as seriously as non-mainstream sexual preferences and gender identities, the subject has been raised in a serious way. If it encourages more polyamorists to tell their stories in print, all those of us who are “queer” in any sense will gain valuable knowledge.

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Jean Roberta is a widely published writer based in Regina, Sask.