Domestic violence is understood to be the use of any instrumentality to control a household member, including physical harm or its threat, isolation from friends and family, economic deprivation, sexual assaults, destruction of property, withholding medication, and psychological manipulation. While few studies that have been conducted on same-sex domestic violence support the conclusion, it is widespread among both gay and lesbian couples. One early study reported that some 47 percent of gays and lesbians have been victimized by domestic violence.* Others have suggested that from 42 to 79 percent of men and 25 to fifty percent of women in same-sex relationships have experienced some form of domestic violence. These statistics support a 2003 analysis of the National Criminal Victimization Survey, which pointed to higher rates of domestic violence involving same-sex couples than heterosexual ones.†
Underlying this difference is the fact that domestic violence itself varies somewhat between same-sex and heterosexual couples. For example, “outing” one’s partner is not an issue for heterosexuals but is a surprisingly common weapon for gay people in an abusive relationship. This may appear trivial to some, but many gay men and lesbians wish to keep their sexual orientation private for fear of retaliation, such as loss of one’s job or estrangement from family and friends. Same-sex domestic violence can also be complicated by the issue of HIV. We certainly recognize that HIV is not confined to the gay community, but there have been a number of reports of individuals deliberately infecting a partner in an effort to prevent the victim from leaving the relationship. Some abusers may even withhold medication or prevent their sick partner from seeking treatment. Others have been known to threaten to notify the victim’s employer, parents, and friends of his HIV status. Another difference is that it’s often harder to distinguish the abuser from the victim in same-sex domestic violence. Being a batterer or victim is not determined by a person’s size or strength. This is particularly important to understand when law enforcement personnel confront same-sex domestic violence situations. For instance, police officers may assume that since two males are involved, both are of equal strength and can therefore handle the problem without their intervention. This assumption is not only wrong, but it could be deadly, both for the victim and the officers. This ambiguity can be partially overcome if we understand the typical profile of both the batterer and the victim. Profiling is a process whereby people are placed into categories based upon shared characteristics. This method is somewhat controversial, and there’s no doubt that caution should be exercised when one attempts to comprehend a given relationship based on certain personality traits that have been identified. We can, however, make some generalizations based upon past behavior and research. Both batterers and victims come from all socioeconomic, ethnic, educational, occupational, and religious backgrounds, as well as all age groups. The typical characteristics of abusers include self-hatred, depression, insecurity, poor communication skills, low self-control, jealousy, and manipulativeness. Many batters have a history of battering and violence, as well as alcohol and/or drug abuse. Needless to say, alcohol is known to trigger or escalate violent situations. One trait many abusers have in common is a tendency to blame the victim for their own violent behavior. Victims tend to share certain characteristics, as well. These may include self-blame, conflict avoidance, low trust in others, low self-esteem, depression, fear of abandonment, among others. Many victims are people who feel uncomfortable with disagreement; many tend to deny or minimize the abuse; a large proportion feel “trapped” in the relationship for financial or emotional reasons. Victims often develop ways to mollify or avoid the abuser. They often find that leaving the abuser is difficult. If they do leave, they often return, feeling guilty about having left the relationship, or because they believe they can “save” the abuser. When does the violence stop? This is a difficult question, but we have come to believe that in general the violence doesn’t stop until the victim leaves the relationship for good. Abuse is rarely a one-time occurrence, and it is unlikely to change once a pattern has been established—not impossible with a proper treatment program, but few couples will ever seek help. Many victims experience a “cycle of violence” that typically involves three stages of abuse. The first is a tension-building stage that may result in constant arguing or “the silent treatment.” If violence does occur, it is usually restricted to what the law refers to as “simple assault,” causing only minor injuries. This stage may last from days to years. The next phase is known as the “acute battering” stage. The violence increases in severity and the victim may be punched, kicked, slapped, choked, etc., resulting in observable bruises, lesions, or broken bones. This stage may last anywhere from a few minutes to days. The final stage in the cycle is a “calming” stage in which the abuser is apologetic, begging forgiveness and promising never to repeat the violence. The abuser often showers the victim with presents in an attempt to gain forgiveness. With each new cycle in a relationship, the severity of the violence is likely to increase, while the duration of the cycle will decrease. What can be done to stop the abuse? From a social policy standpoint, a number of steps are needed. First, domestic violence laws must include same-sex couples. Second, criminal justice personnel need adequate training and education. The police need to be more sensitive to the needs of the gay and lesbian community, particularly when enforcing domestic violence laws. While some police agencies have incorporated diversity training into their training programs, many officers fail to take these programs seriously. Officers need to be able to provide information concerning available resources, assist victims in developing a safety plan, and aid victims in obtaining restraining orders against the abuser. Some police agencies in large cities have appointed community liaison officers who meet with representatives within the gay and lesbian community to address their concerns. Prosecutors must pursue cases of same-sex domestic violence. Judges also need to become more sensitive and aware of same sex domestic violence. For instance, one judge modified an abused gay man’s restraining order from one year to three months when the judge discovered that the victim of the abuse had a black belt in karate. The judge commented that the victim could “take care of himself.” Judges must also avoid sentence disparity based upon sexual orientation. Resources and funding need to be made available, including short- and long-term support. Safe houses and shelters, places where a victim can stay to escape his abuser, must be provided. Currently safe houses are rarely accessible to same-sex domestic victims, particularly males. Some locales provide safe houses that exclude pets. Victims of domestic violence sometimes refuse to leave the relationship for fear that their pet may be harmed (abusers may harm or threaten harm to a pet as a means to control the victim). Indeed research has also shown a strong relationship between domestic violence and pet abuse! Counseling needs to be available for both victims and abusers in same-sex domestic violence relationships. We strongly recommend individual or group counseling rather than couples counseling, which has proven to be not only ineffective but potentially dangerous to the victim once the session is complete. The abuser must receive treatment and counseling to recognize the source of his or her violent behavior, and learn to deal with conflict in a nonviolent manner. Otherwise, the pattern is likely to continue. And the gay and lesbian community must discuss same-sex domestic violence openly. This can be accomplished through supportive politicians, gay and lesbian media outlets, notices in gay and lesbian bars and clubs, discussion seminars, and community meetings, to name a few. The problem is exacerbated by the current political climate, which treats gays and lesbians as a marginalized population. It is our hope that this piece will spark concern and promote action by gay and lesbian organizations and individuals to address this under-reported but widespread social ill that afflicts our community. * Kelly, C. & Warshafsky, L. “Partner abuse in gay male and lesbian couples.” Paper presented at the Third National Conference for Family Violence Researchers, Durham, N.H., 1987. Tod W. Burke, Ph.D., professor of criminal justice at Radford University in Virginia, is a former Maryland police officer. Stephen S. Owen, Ph.D., is assistant professor of criminal justice at Radford University.
† Cameron, P. “Domestic violence among homosexual partners.” Psychological Reports, 93, 2003.
