A Star Is Born The time has come to bid farewell to Congressman Aaron Schock, the Illinois Republican who’s no stranger to this column due to his flamboyant 
personal style and his horrible voting record on GLBT issues. Schock abruptly resigned from the House in March after various irregularities of a financial nature were disclosed. There were padded expense accounts and improper junkets, maybe a diverted campaign contribution or two, but nothing all that unusual for Washington. Clearly what did Schock in was the way he’d decorated his D.C. office to resemble a room on the BBC series Downton Abbey. Diverted funds can be concealed, but once the Downton office came to light—the story was broken by a Washington Post reporter who managed to snap a few photos before Schock’s staff stepped in—reporters and oversight committees began to investigate his other extravagances (the exotic trips, the fancy cars), and the jig was up. The mainstream press largely ignored the gay rumors, but Barney Frank had this to say: “Of course he should come out if they’re true. If they’re not true, he spent entirely too much time in the gym for a straight man.” What’s odd is how blasé Schock himself seemed about the whole turn of events. He must secretly know that now that he’s famous, there’s a wide world of pop-culture celebrity out there—just ask Sarah Palin. Schock sponsored zero bills in Congress, but those soft-core photo shoots for Men’s Health and the workout videos generated a huge following on Twitter and Instagram. So perhaps the whole Congress thing was just a kind of reality show for Schock with which to launch his media career. He’s got the looks for it, so why not? Prediction: Schock will come out as gay, which will only enhance his marketability as a workout guru or fashionista or reality-show host on cable TV. Stay tuned!
Gimme Shelter Bloggers and Facebookers tittered (and twittered) about an item in an Alaska newspaper, The Juneau Empire, running under the headline “Glory Hole Rededication” and picturing a priest announcing the relaunch of a Christian shelter for homeless men. The launchers were presumably unaware of the double meaning, which earned them the epithets “naïve” and “clueless” in the blogosphere. In their defense, one could argue that the word “glory” had religious overtones long before it acquired its gay meaning, which is undoubtedly why it was chosen in the first place (it’s called camp). Of course, it’s always possible that these guys are actually winking their way to the tearoom; otherwise, it’s not entirely clear why Alaskan clergymen should be up on urban gay lingo.
Twirl of Fate Boston’s GLBT community exulted when for the first a gay group was permitted to march in the annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade through Southie. But rather than boast about their new open-mindedness, the organizers announced—after the fact—that it was all a mistake. It seems they green-lighted “Boston Pride” believing it to be “an offshoot of ‘Boston Strong,’” wrote parade organizer Brian Mahoney in the local paper, noting that the parade doesn’t exclude gay people but only “displays of controversial ideology.” Mahoney was especially rankled when the Pride group showed up twirling rainbow umbrellas: “It was shocking and unauthorized when they appeared at ‘G’ and Broadway carrying ten to twelve multicolored umbrellas that I would describe as rainbow even though I have been told they ‘technically’ were not rainbows. Well, how’s this? Umbrellas of any sort are not allowed.” Something to keep in mind next time it rains on St. Patrick’s day in Boston.
Take Me Out Two nouveau stars on cable TV claim they’ve found a cure for homosexuality: baseball tickets! They’re the Benham brothers, Jason and David, and they’re the darlings of anti-gay viewers who tune in to HGTV to check out their latest antics. One of their projects is to convince gay viewers to give up their “lifestyle,” and they’ve found that when you reach out to people, they’ll respond. For example, they talked to one gay man and learned that he liked baseball, so they got him tickets to a Cubs game and voilà! The guy was so moved by their kindness that he stated in a thank-you note that he had decided to go straight. It was all very touching, and the Benham brothers drew out a deep moral lesson. Sure his gayness “made me lose my appetite,” said David, “but I simply responded in love.” Left unexplored was the possibility that this guy really was, first and foremost, an ardent baseball fan, whether gay or straight, who really wanted those tickets. So he meant it when he thanked the Benham boys for reaching out in this way. He just forgot to add: Dudes, you’ve been punked!
The Tenth Circle There’s a newly ordained pastor in Puerto Rico named José Santiago, and he wasn’t long on the job before people began posting pictures of a guy who looked remarkably like him—and not just any guy but a well-known gay porn star named Gustavo Arrango. Sure enough, it turns out the two men are one and the same! In his earlier life, Gustavo starred in many films produced by Kristen Bjorn Studios. But that’s all behind him now, claims Santiago, who says he found God and left porn seven years ago. People who’ve observed his sermons say that his mannerisms still spike their gaydar, but Santiago claims to be “ex-gay,” and he’s even married a woman. Reporting on the conversion, Banaguide.com couldn’t resist a wisecrack before showing Arrango at work: “Here are some of the moments in which Santiago may have found God…” And what the scenes show is that Arrango specialized in two things: playing the receptive partner in anal sex and participating in huge orgies. To put this into a Christian context, his sins were not confined to sodomy but included group sex, exhibitionism, prostitution, and extreme lust. Dante would have had to create a whole new circle of hell! In the context of ex-gay therapy, most alums say they weren’t “cured” even a little, so the trip from Gustavo Arrango to Father José is quite an impressive leap indeed.
