Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star
by Rich Merritt
Kensington. 468 pages, $15. (paper)
THIS IS a gripping memoir by a man who spent his early life trying to be “the best little boy in the world.” It’s a quest that seems to be common for many gay boys growing up; it’s just that the path taken by Rich Merritt to be the best was a bit more extreme than the one that most boys, gay or straight, pursue. But so was his Christian fundamentalist education, which included attendance at both Bob Jones Academy and Bob Jones University, that “fortress of fundamentalism.”
Merritt continued this pattern by enlisting in the Marine Corps, where his low self-esteem served him well (“Yes, sir, I’m a maggot!”), and he quickly rose through the ranks. He learned how to keep a secret, namely that he was gay—and here too he was drawn to extremes. An “adrenaline junkie” by his own admission, Merritt began a career in gay porn while still in uniform. Thus the Marine captain who served as a general’s aide by day was now working as a male escort and X-rated “model” by night. He actually went so far as to grant a request by a national organization to be interviewed by the New York Times Magazine while still in the Marines, albeit anonymously. His naïveté in this decision was apparent when his identity was blown and his secret past as a porn star exposed. Meanwhile, the organization that had set him up as the poster child for gays in the military distanced itself from the case, leaving him feeling, yet again, betrayed and abandoned. Once out of the military, Merritt began putting his life back together, forming a stable relationship with another man and attending law school. But the old feelings of rage and restlessness were still there, and he now exploded into self-destructive behavior, including circuit parties and party drugs, that jeopardized his relationship with his partner and family. At this point the dichotomy between his “best little boy” image and the reality of his life came to a head in the form of a suicide attempt. What Merritt eventually figured out was that there aren’t enough good grades, awards, and medals, on the one hand, or sex, drugs, alcohol, and parties, on the other hand, to make him feel whole. Even surrounding himself with friends and a loving partner wasn’t enough to ward off the feelings of failure and isolation that his upbringing had instilled. In recovery, he commits a final act of bravery: he begins to question all he’d been taught about God and country and the meaning of life so as to discover the truth for himself. He also observes the pattern of his life to date: working to earn validation from others, gaining the visible rewards of success, feeling a growing rage against a system whose full approval he’ll never have, pursuing high-risk activities and getting caught, perhaps deliberately (albeit unconsciously), which finally brings the merry-go-round to a stop. But now, having completed the latest cycle and gotten it down on paper (all 450 pages of it!), Merritt has perhaps gotten off the ride once and for all. Cindy L. Abel is a writer based in Atlanta.
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